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Rewind my life a good year and you’ll see a woman that’s joyful to be 40 and excited to discover everything this new decade has in store for her. 

Look at me today and you can just hand me another tissue to wipe my tears away and clean my nose. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still excited, even at 41. But something’s changed. And it’s not just the snotty nose and red eyes.

This ain’t pretty, I know! And neither is this life that’s happening around me nowadays. Beware, this blog text contains some explicit content. But none of it is to be hidden or kept a secret any longer, not for me. I need to put it on paper. Some of this, correction, most of this you’ll not find in the state-bearing news channels. Most of what you hear and read and see these days comes disguised with words like “tolerant”, “open-minded” or “liberal”.

But why the tears and snot you may ask? Well, for one: I’ve come to grieve my “pre 2020” life and I don’t blame a tiny virus to be faulty of changing everything. But that’s only part of the reason I cry a lot these days. The bigger part has to do with the rose-colored glasses I used to wear and don’t anymore. Let me explain.

Get informed!

Up until last year my husband would sometimes approach me saying “Honey, just because you don’t get informed about political decisions and laws being made doesn’t mean it’s not out there.” I would shrug it off, not seeing the need to dig through blogs and podcasts and taking all these “news” in. 

Well, then we were locked down in a matter of days just like many other people in many other countries around the globe last spring. In the beginning I still hashtagged with the crowds #flattenthecurve and #westayathome. But the weeks passed and my husband and I really talked about certain things meaning he spoke I listened. I needed to learn about some of the developments and trends that were becoming more and more visible. And I do not mean conspiracy theories. 

Because I started to see the need to be more educated, I started registering on certain online petition platforms. Furthermore, I started reading alternative news blogs and listening to well-researched podcasts. To this day I must say it still feels like I’m in the process of taking off my rose-colored glasses and it still hurts my eyes.

War zone

What was happening you may ask? Well, I was no longer shying away from hard facts and figures. I was starting to take responsibility for what I’m on earth for: First and foremost: to continuously lock eyes with Jesus, my savior, in intimacy. And then, to go out into the world and push back darkness wherever I set foot by prayer and speaking the truth in love.

You see, I lead the intercession team at a fantastic little prayer house. In every session I led in the past I would rely on God to let me know what to pray for. And, of course, I’ll continue to do so. But the topics were often let’s say a bit “general”, not too specific. Deciding to look the monster of our time in the eyes has helped me in praying more precisely and aggressively. I’m much more aware of the fact that I’m in a war zone. My fight is never against humans. Always against the rulers and powers of the darkness in the unseen world. Sounds creepy? Sure is! But as my little five year old son told me the other night: “Mommy, there’s the bad forces and there’s the good forces, and that’s Jesus and the Holy Ghost. And they always win!” Yes, my son, absolutely right!

In order to win there has to be a battle, though. And in being connected to prayer warriors of every color in many nations I’ve come to the conclusion that the devil and his gang are quickly realizing that very soon their time will be up. Maybe that’s why for the last twelve months to me it’s felt like hell is lose. 

I kid you not.

I mean, come on – how can you pervert a marriage that God has decreed between a man and a woman to be “anyone with anyone”? How in the world can you legalize killing an unborn child at any point of time in the womb, up until the birth? That is sick! It is murder. And still, it’s happening around the globe, day after day.

How can a man, that God created as a man, feel like a woman and therefore call himself a woman, go to the ladies’ fitting room and then molest a biological woman? And not get sued! How can a party in Germany describe its legislative proposal with “… bodies that are able to give birth, mainly female …”? Or how can a church in Berlin decree that it’s not ok for the Trinity to be all male and therefore use the * to show that Jesus could have been a woman? How can the EU fund a children’s book with 400,000 Euros that tells the story about a gay kangaroo couple?

I kid you not. This is what’s going on in Germany, Switzerland, UK, Australia, U.S.A., France, etc. etc.

And even though I called myself a Christ follower, I tried to ignore these “trends” up until last year. 

How long, Lord?

To this day, I have to wisely choose my battles. I cannot read through too much of the perversion and unrighteousness that is happening on this planet on any given day. But neither can nor will I look the other way like I used to. I owe my husband a huge Thank You for being so patient with me and for continuously trying to make me aware of the schemes “out there”. 

By the time 2020 was coming to an end, I cried out to God one day in November just like Habakkuk cried out to God:

“How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save? Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds. Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in the righteous, so that justice is perverted.”

Habbakuk 1/2-4

Here’s God’s answer to me. It came in two parts, one right back in November: 

“Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”

1 Peter 5/8

Alright, that was doable. I did and do my best to stay vigilant and on my guard. But what about my anger about all the atrocities and unrighteousness? What about all my questions and cries of help in the light of so much helplessness?  

God’s answer on that topic was super clear. As usual, I walked through the forest, just a couple of days ago, this time battling through quite a handful of despair and a touch of hopelessness.

Here’s what God said: 

“For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. And again, “The Lord will judge His people.”

Hebrews 10/30

Wake up, my soul!

As I pondered this scripture I said: “OK, God, I get it. But what does that leave me with?”

His answer was plain and oh so glorious: You worship Me.

He reminded me of a song I’d been singing so often and so loud in 2020: Awake my soul. I quickly searched it and plugged my earphones in. The birds and trees and anything nearby were singing and dancing and jumping with me. I sang from the top of my lungs! Like my kids, I jumped up and down, crying for joy and relief.

Because you know what? Our Jesus is coming back soon! And He loves nothing more than His followers to be on their knees, humbling themselves unto the mighty hand of God. He’s honored and worshipped best when we praise His name out loud. He’s magnified when we push darkness back by calling on His name and depending solely on Him. He alone is worthy of all our admiration. 

The “forest effect”

When I returned home from my “worship in the forest” session my spirit and soul felt a ton lighter. 

Since then I have had a mixture of a lot of reading the bible and a tiny bit of skimming the news. At times, I would start to feel heavy again. Thank God for that 48hr nonstop session at our prayer house last weekend – my 2hr shift had the same effect as the walk in the forest. Jesus eased my burden and adjusted my yoke and focus.

And when I asked my husband this morning to hold me and pray with me as I was crying and weeping over the brokenness of this world – guess what? Yep – it had the same effect. Maybe I’ll call it the “forest” effect. Just kidding.

End of story

So what’s my – and hopefully your – takeaway from this text? I cannot allow the heaviness to invade and overtake me. I literally live Matthew 11, 28 -30 each and every day at present. It’s ok to acknowledge the bad stuff and bring these burdens to Jesus so He can give me rest in exchange. When I start to feel heavy I come and sit at Jesus’ feet and learn from Him. Because His yoke is easy and His burden is light. 

Anything else is not from Him and I don’t want it! I must continuously remind myself of the fact that He has won the battle! It is my duty to pray His will being done on earth as it is in heaven. His kingdom to come and invade this earth as it is in heaven.

As I’m wrapping up another long and intense day I can lean back, relax and know that I’m safe in the hands of my heavenly Father. So are my husband and kids. I refuse to worry about tomorrow because the Bible tells me so. And I rejoice over one of my most favorite verses in the last chapter of the last book of the everlasting Word of God and I’ll close with this:

“Jesus said: Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me, and I will give to each person according to what they have done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”

Revelation 22/12+13